Sunday, July 28, 2013


Holy hell Craigslist ads. All caps must mean they are serious, stop yelling at me! I'm not even your employee and already I'm in trouble and being yelled at. What is with all the unnecessary **, **, **. Stop, they look like misunderstood emoticons.
 Dynamic! (insert whip like noise) Every single ad overuses the poor word. 131 postings used that word and that's just under the food/hospitality/sell your soul/customer service heading.

"We are looking for a dynamic, organized, multi-tasker with a fine dining background."

 "This organization is looking for a dynamic, intelligent individual with an amazing understanding of hospitality and guest first service."

"We are looking for a full-time dynamic individual who has the ability to multi-task and has a great and serious passion for the food and wine industry."

"Can you handle the heat in the kitchen? Hooters of West Covina is searching for dynamic and experienced kitchen employees."

That last one is for Hooters, a cook at Hooters! How dynamic do you need to be to drop some wings into the fat vat. Dynamic enough to raise your eyes away from the servers chest as they run out their orders clad in hot pants and yesteryear's skating tights. Dynamic literally means fast, an efficient incentive. It's a noun and an adjective, yay! Expressing action not a state of being. My state of being is sad and broke. I don't know if I can muster up enough dynamic to land a job.

I broke my damn foot and it took over two months to heal. I am no longer dynamic (insert sad whah wah noise). Last I checked you can't wait tables or bar tend in a cast. What is the opposite of dynamic? I am now out of a cast but still limping along. I can just imagine slowly walking in to a fine establishment feeling less than stellar in my flats, and being greeted by a dynamic host who gets the dynamic manager. I will ask for water as I'm already out of breath and in need of an ibuprofen. I'll want to elevate my leg and ice it. I will not be dynamic while sweating like a pigdog asking to work for minimum wage plus tips.

Above I am pictured being dynamic, or not, at my friends wedding. That was the longest weekend of my life! There was no way the bride was going to let me off the hook as a bridesmaid. We've seen too many horrors together. We worked at  T.G.I Fridays in the late 90's in Torrance. We had to pack in so much dynamic energy that our stores are depleted. We had to wear flair, with gusto! We knew no less than 10 freaking birthday songs.

 As a general rule no one tells their server that there's a birthday at the table at any restaurant ever. It's not a complete strangers responsibility to wish you a happy birthday with song and a free sundae. It's your friends and families responsibility to sing off key while you sit there uncomfortably trying to figure out what to do while they tell you they love you in song. Don't do it.

I quit Fridays after moving from night shifts to days because of the rampant sexual harassment received from the guests and the general belief by our clientele that tips were not even an option. We had at one point metal detectors, security guards and devices to scan I.D.'s. Yet my car still got vandalized on Christmas Day along with a few others. I despise restaurants that stay open on major holidays. I want to stay home with my family not serve  those that don't celebrate a nationally recognized holiday based on giving!
Working in fine dining after that level of year and a  half hell was a breath of fresh air. No more birthday songs or even free dessert! Yet still, usually the older generation, would expect a song and I would politely decline claiming that a voice that sounded like a cat in heat wasn't what they wanted to hear. I would back away and enjoy the looks shared of confusion and horror. I win!

Tomorrow is my husbands 38th birthday. There will be a small backyard BBQ, no singing, no candles and everyone will have a great time. A cake will be made by hand and brought out by me after dinner and we'll have a few too many glasses of wine and  he'll be made fun of for aging and I'll say something inappropriate. It will be nice.

Happy Birthday Dane! Love your unemployed, non dynamic, slightly gimpy, but loves you so much, wife.

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